At the beginning of 2021, I attended an online conference on destigmatizing wellness and mental health in the Filipino-American community, Therapinay’s New Year Resolusyons. You can read more about it here. It was there that I learned to set intentions instead of resolutions and how to achieve them. My intention was to have a stress-free Holiday; to be done with work by December and spend the rest of the month baking. You know me and my obsession with desserts.

Unfortunately, things didn’t quite work out that way. A few weeks before Christmas I made a Target run and I burst into tears and screamed profanities as I sat in traffic. “This isn’t how we’re supposed to celebrate baby Jesus!” So, no, I did not meet my intention. I started this month reflecting on what went wrong: What mistakes did I make? What can I change? How can I change? 

Making goals and sticking to them is difficult. Speaking for myself, I put too much on myself to achieve them and to achieve them with a hard deadline. I also took on a lofty goal without accounting that we’re still in pandemic times! After the chaos of 2020, I pushed myself to be okay. I really thought I was okay because I really wanted to be okay. Oof, to toxic positivity! In a recent chat with a friend, I relayed to her how tough this year has been for me. She reminded me that we experienced a trauma and that it takes time to recover. My friend shared this Instagram post by pop surrealist painter and mother (it helps that she’s an artist and mom), Mab Graves.

Chronic stress can cause Limbic damage to our brains. . . it doesn’t happen immediately. About 11 months after my surgery I had a breakdown, and I was so frustrated with myself. The worst part was over, and I had managed to remain emotionally strong through all the years of pain and treatment. Why was I now feeling such desolate desperation? I learned that that’s sometimes how the brain works. It can be a delayed response to trauma, loss, and chronic stress. . .

I thought I had survived the worst of the pandemic, the year 2020. It was time to get up and move forward. I moved forward by burying myself in online classes and virtual events. Since the shutdown, I estimate that I took twenty online classes and/or attended virtual conferences. I said yes to all the things so as to not feel the loneliness of losing a social life, the emptiness of not having creative connections, the anger and hurt in losing a faith community, and the sadness of being apart from family. So much of social media was this message of growth and so I jumped on that bandwagon. I was growing in my business, as an artist, and as a person. I was doing all the right things.

Yet, I experienced countless manic nights where I believed the burst of energy at three in the morning was inspiration kicking in. I’d work like this for days, only to burn out for weeks at a time. This pattern continued particularly around traumatic events, one of which was after the Atlanta shooting. Unable to recognize the cue for what it was and I blamed myself for not being able to work harder. Can we be done with the strong WOC mentality in 2022, please? I struggled to recall events, even the good creative ones. Thank goodness for photo file information that helps distinguish 2020 from 2021 moments. There was some respite from the stress during our summer stay in Idaho because it was a change of scenery. I did a lot of personal growth during the Summer, yet I returned to life still doing the most. As the holidays approached I slipped back into bad habits – once again the red flag signalling that something was still off.

Then came the reminder that I needed. After Thanksgiving, I was engaged in email exchanges for a live illustration job in LA. I made an excuse to not keep my intention and I walked into December emotionally and mentally depleted and without that job. I had only wanted that job to escape stressors, not because I was fulfilling a career goal. And what’s worse, I was force fitting this job on the day of my late cousin’s anniversary! I have never forgotten his day and always spend it with family. I’m still giving myself all the eyerolls for this mishap!

New year’s resolutions are essentially new habits we’re wanting to develop. It took me a whole year to see the weaknesses that kept me from achieving my goals. I was getting all the signals that I needed to slow down. I thought saying “I wasn’t okay” was enough, but that vague phrase showed that I still hard my walls up, unable to own what I was really struggling with. I could take some notes from Daniel Tiger to help better communicate my feelings. 

There is no year deadline when you want to make a change that lasts your lifetime. This intention I set in 2021 wasn’t a failed attempt and I reflect on all of this without any regret, but to see how I can move forward in this new year. In the final season of Wine Down, Issa Rae, showrunner Prentice Penny, and director Melina Matsoukas speak on the theme of looking back in Insecure’s first episode of season five:

Melina – “Returning to the beginning is the best way to move forward.”

Prentice – “We’re so used to moving, moving, moving that we rarely take that moment to look back and [ask], ‘Where am I now? What have I done?’ ”

Issa – “. . it’s great to look back. . . I did that once and I'm never going to do that again. . . I’m going to be better from it.”

So take a moment to pause and reflect. There’s no need for feelings of embarrassment or failure. You’ve come a long way. Here’s to doing better. Here’s moving forward!

Peace and love,

VR