My Inner Critic Showed Up on My Birthday

Jan 31

Last year I wrote my first birthday post. I had turned 30 and I wanted to commemorate that momentous birthday. We spent my birthday in Chicago with cousins, and one of my sisters came up from Tennessee. It was a weekend of eating Korean BBQ, noshing at the world’s largest Starbucks,hanging out with Andy Warhols at The Art Institute, playing board games, and eating the best matcha cake ever! If I were a pessimist, I would say that we spent the majority of our time commuting, waiting in lines, and walking around freezing our asses off.

But I love Chicago and everything that big cities offer, so every moment in the windy city in the middle of January was magical. From strollers being lifted in and out of buses to freezing in the long line to the Starbucks entrance. It was a perfect way to celebrate my 30th.

By the way, Jordan, the kids, and I didn’t have to wait in line to get into Starbucks. Having babies truly is a golden ticket! Just show up to the front, ask the gatekeeper how long the wait is and then low-key show the man your freezing babies while you ask if it’s okay to wait inside while the rest of your party freezes in line. Yes, my fam is amazing for being our proxies. It is a great solution to not being a jerk and cutting people in line while not having to wait in line. This, however, does not work in New York City. Not even if your baby has a blow out. That’s a story for another time.

Okay, so back to my birthday. I needed a moment to reminisce cause I miss my family and that was the last time I saw them in person. So, I’m thirty-one. It wasn’t spent on a fun weekend getaway. I wasn’t surrounded by art (btw The Art Institute of Chicago had a Monet exhibit that ended this weekend), and I didn’t eat all the Asian food my heart desired. And most sucky of them all, I didn’t spend it surrounded by cousins and sisters like I have done since my first birthday. Covid sucks.

Instead, my inner critic showed up.

I’m going to be a pessimist this time because no matter how sweet Jordan and the kids treated me on this day, how yummy my raspberry cheesecake was (actually I haven’t eaten it yet), or how wonderful the birthday greetings from friends and family were, this bitch showed up having me question everything I was doing with my life!

I started my birthday morning reading scriptures with Jordan. Not planned, nor do we read scriptures on the daily. We tend to get into long discussions about social issues so we often feel like we don’t have time for daily scripture study cause it can take up to an hour! Right now in the Latter-day Saint curriculum the whole Church is studying the Doctrine and Covenants, a book of scripture believed to be a revelation given to Joseph Smith and other Church leaders starting in 1831. There are Latter-day Saints who struggle with the modernity of these scriptures. Perhaps the word of God coming to a man who wears an ascot is just odd.

So we’re reading Joseph Smith’s story -- meeting his wife Emma, her family objecting to their marriage because of his vision, their leaving New York because of persecution, and his meeting Martin Harris who lent him $50 to assist him in bringing God’s church to fruition. All I could think of was, how did he stay the course? Whether or not you believe the story of the 14 year old Joseph Smith seeing a vision, somehow buddy made that vision turn into a 16.5 billion member world wide church in the matter of 200 years! And he did all that without social media!

Our scripture study ended with the question, are we really doing what God wants us to do or have we gotten distracted by good things that we love, but things that aren’t centered on the core values of what we feel called to do. Yvonne Orji openly shares her story of how she was on the path to becoming a doctor when she heard God, as clear as day, tell her to do comedy. And she did. Defying culture, family, and even social expectations.

So when my inner critic shows up on my birthday, she’s here saying what business do I have to start a magazine! You’re not a writer, you’re an artist. But also, you’re not even really an artist because you only got 17 likes on your latest illustration. And then I’m reading Joseph Smith’s story of the shitty things he went through and yet managed to create a thriving religious institution without any experience? What?!

This morning instead of getting ready for church, I sat in my pink chair and wrote down a thought that woke me up at 6:30 in the morning. Then Luvvie Ajayi came to my mind. This woman has been in my orbit for quite some time but only just as a thought or a quick mention. I believe she first came to my knowledge when I expressed to Donna of The Ratchet Hipster of the kind of work I wanted to do. We had just started our accountability meet-ups (this was back in 2017) and I told her I wanted to write essays on the culture of art, fashion, music, etc. and accompany it with my illustrations. She told me that’s similar to the work of --- blank. When I tried to access this memory I couldn’t remember the name she said. Then in late Fall of 2019, Alt Summit announced that Luvvie was to do a workshop on public speaking. Something about her seemed familiar, but I couldn’t recall having seen her face or knowing her name. Then I would meet a woman in the Spring of 2020 in my Micro Huddle group who works for Luvvie. This lady recently posted about the launch of Luvvie’s new book, dropping March 2. I bought Luvvie’s book and I did so without question.

God is that you?

So this morning, I’m sitting in my pink chair trying to expound more on that 6:30 AM thought when Luvvie comes to my mind.

God is that you?

I clicked on my Youtube app and searched Luvvie Ajayi. I watched Awesomely Able: The Power of Blogging, Writing, and Social Media. It was the Sabbath day sermon I needed and I learned that I’m still living in fear, hesitant of each step I take forward and not owning what it is I want to do. And what I want to do I feel called to do by God. Just like Yvonne Orji heard God tell her to do comedy. And maybe, perhaps just like how God told that 14 year old boy to start a new church.

Perhaps it’s because as Latter-day Saints, we hold this man’s vision to be sacred. And that sacredness means that God speaks only to those He has called and He calls men to do His sacred work and sacred work is building up God’s kingdom and God’s kingdom doesn’t include things like art, comedy, and the writing whims of a woman -- things of the world. And that’s the source of my fear and hesitation -- each step that takes me closer to those doors of success, I defy the cultural expectations of my family and of my faith community.

God is that you?

In her TEDxRoadTown speech, Luvvie teaches that having the courage to speak your dreams out loud may be the thing you need to set things in motion. I’ve mentioned some of my dreams to very few people, yet when I say them out loud, even to my husband, I feel my face get hot with embarrassment -- feeling like I’m asking for too much. But since having started my #colorfitpalette, spending money on my business by going to New York Fashion Week, going to conferences and hiring business coaches, I’ve felt this force urging me to speak my dreams, much like when a Filipino mom forces burps from an infant with seemingly violent pats and the infant is trying to wiggle free. I’m that wiggling infant, trying to escape the helping hands of the universe because it just seems too scary to face (and if you know the power of Filipino mom’s hands you would be running).

So here they are. My dreams:

I will be invited to runway shows as a writer and illustrator, having the opportunity to converse with designers on cultural and social issues that influence their work.
I and my work will be a part of a fashion campaign one day.
You will see me in Vogue. Not as a model, but featured as a force of change and influence in the Asian-American and Filipino-American community.
My Tatay’s dream will be realized. He’s always said that I’d be famous. The first time he said that to me I was 16 or 17. I thought he was crazy. So before my parents leave this good green earth, they will witness that.
I will meet Luvvie and she will know my work.
I will employ amazing creatives of color, making The Riza a respectable media and creative house.
My work, both my illustrations and writings, will open doors to other creative avenues.
I will meet Ali Wong and I will get to tell her that she inspired me to speak up.
I will meet Kevin Kwan and we will have great conversations as we travel through Europe together (Okay, that’s a dream within a dream).
I will publish a book and will be the author and illustrator of that book.

So my birthday week (it’s our family’s tradition) is taking a turn for the better. My inner critic thought she had me, but those negative thoughts sent me down a path where I would fight through the negativity while I prepared an art submission for Create Magazine, which then sent me into the pages of Danielle Krysa’s “Your Inner Critic is a Big Jerk,” and then in Luvvie Ajayi’s world which resulted in this post.

So, suck it inner critic and Happy Birthday to me! I’m excited for where this year around the sun takes me and I appreciate you all being here!

Love and peace,

PS — Luvvie’s second book is now available for preorder and in her post announcing her new book, she said it would be the best birthday present if we supported it. I preordered her book thinking how awesome it was that I could pre order this book for my birthday! Look at God showing up for our January birthdays!