The Creative Wrestle

It was a good, but weird week. That’s how I’ve described it to people who’ve asked. How else would you describe a week where each day was a mental fight with fear, but at the end of it, you came out the other side to see that you created beautifully? I imagine that if I were an athlete, it would be a lot like competing against an opponent you dreaded competing against and at the end of the game, you won. I felt the hard work of showing up for my creativity by facing my fear. That work was greatly rewarding. 

I guess we don’t typically hear that “David and Goliath” analogy in relation to creatives, let alone speak much of it in everyday small conversations. Probably why I wasn’t sure how to answer the “how was your day/week?” questions. Perhaps it’s because the opponent we go up against is ourselves. It’s very vulnerable to speak truthfully about the creative process because aside from the time it takes to create the artwork, there is the time spent battling an invisible monster that is our fears and insecurities that gleefully makes our mind its habitat. Danielle Krysa calls that monster our inner critic. 

I’ve been learning about my inner critic since Krysa’s book Your Inner Critic is a Big Jerk was published in 2016. Six years later, I’ve read many other books on the subject. I’ve talked to creative friends and women entrepreneurs. I’ve taken classes and done one-on-one coaching.  After all this time those lessons are finally becoming the tools I need to face my inner critic. 

One of those tools came to me as Liz Gilbert’s book, Big Magic. That book was recommended to me by a friend from a women in business cohort a few years ago. After lamenting about some struggles, this friend said, “You need to read Big Magic.” Big Magic showed up in my life in an unexpected, this is the sign, kind of way. I was at my public library when I saw Gilbert’s book sitting on the shelf of the library’s store. It was three dollars. I had three dollars in my pocket. The most life changing tool came to me in a, no pun intended, pretty magical way.

Here’s a bit from Liz’s book that came to me after this week's battle with my fear:

I believe this is one of the oldest and most generous tricks the universe plays on us human beings, both for its own amusement and for ours: The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.

The hunt to uncover those jewels – that’s creative living.

The courage to go on that hunt in the first place – that’s what separates a mundane existence from a more enchanted one.

The often surprising results of that hunt – that’s what I call Big Magic. 

I experienced that Big Magic on Friday when I created after recognizing my fear and pushed on to be creative in a way that I hadn’t created in a long time. I lost track of time. It was magical! I was late to picking my kid up from preschool, but still, it was magical. And my kid was more than okay. After the magical creative experience, I shot myself in the foot by multitasking. I felt powerful in the wake of my creativity and foolishly thought that I could do all the things! I ended my work week with my brain feeling like it was running faster than my body. I was easily irritated and I couldn’t focus. 

Still after that, I can say of my week that it was good. I tend to beat myself up for this very thing – for making foolish decisions and for losing control. (Controlling my creativity. . . I could speak on that subject for a good time.) When I spoke to my therapist about my week, they suggested that I ride the wave of my struggles. Riding the wave is acceptance. It’s accepting that my mind is telling me shitty things about myself and my work, but I still want to sketch so I’m going to sketch. It’s accepting that I needed a day off in the middle of the work week so I hung out with my kids and built legos with them. All. Day. Long. It’s accepting that I will make mistakes and that those consequences suck, but that making mistakes doesn’t make me a failure. I can and will do better next week. 

And I end with that encouragement. 

It is wild to be able to recognize your inner critic or your fears. Knowing how, when, and why it shows up has helped me in my creative freedom. Resources I love, other than those mentioned above, are:

The Artist’s Way by Julie Cameron

The Creative Pep Talk podcast by Andy J. Pizza

Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Dr. Alex Soojung-Kim Pang

The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion by Elle Luna.