A Space to Be Alone
This is me in my quiet space. If you follow me on my personal/art instagram account, you may have seen my stories about how actively loud the cows moo at six in the morning. The squirrels are also loud in the morning, but despite the noisy nature, this place has been a sanctuary for me, for Jordan, and for our family.
This Summer for us was all about getting space to recenter, and not just individually, but as a couple and as a family, a reminder that “alone time” applies to more than just individuals. The pandemic isolated us from people, but our screen and phone time had increased. We felt very disconnected from ourselves, from our marriage, and from our kids. Part of it was me trying to make up for the lack of physical socialization — you guys, I took like 8 online classes in the past year! It was just online meeting after online meeting. My phone also brought some disconnection and distraction because it was blowing up with all kinds of text messages, from well intentioned people who were worried about me to people who wanted to hang out. I ignored many of those text messages, but the guilt and the FOMO were real stressors. Mindy Kaling needs to write a sequel titled, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me During the Pandemic?”
We had a friend visit us at the cabin this summer, and when he looked out at the valley, he expressed how great it is to be able to get away from everything. My six year old son, who I swear was born wise (and I hope he always speaks this honestly!) responded without hesitation, “You mean get away from everyone!”
How true my boy. How true.
We needed to get out and we needed to be alone where no one could reach us. Okay, people could reach us because we're still on the grid, but the distance made it easier to say no. Not everyone can physically escape to an isolated cabin in the mountain west. You can still ignore text messages. You can still tell people you are unavailable. A few weeks ago I came to the daunting realization that when I return home I won’t be able to use distance as an excuse anymore and that I will need to own my no’s. Alone time is about setting boundaries. It’s about saying no, owning it with integrity, and trusting that you are doing what is right for you.
When Jordan and I were planning how long we should stay in Idaho, we had doubts about staying out here for 3 months. We questioned if it was too long. We worried about things we’d miss. We worried if being up here would even help because we were plenty alone already. How would further isolation help? Would further isolating ourselves screw up our already isolated kids?! Thank goodness to Jordan’s sister for incessantly telling us to just book flights and to get out here. It’s good to have people who can vouch for you when you’re doubting yourself. “The kids will be okay” became my mantra when that inner critic was yelling that this wouldn’t be good for my kids. The isolation we needed wasn’t to keep ourselves in. It was to find ourselves again. This alone time for Jordan and I was the oxygen mask on the airplane for our whole family. Pretty much all last year, our family’s interactions involved Zoom. Logging my kid into his class, bouncing my baby girl on my lap during my classes, or passing her off to Jordan when he was teaching his online classes. As Jordan and I took care of ourselves and our partnership, our family was also able to recenter.
When we were newly married, in fact at this very cabin we’re bunkering in, I learned that my father-in-law (who was married at the time) woke up at six in the morning to have alone time. He’d wake up, get his mug of coffee, sit out on the deck that faces Round Valley and play his guitar. My naive self who was still in the throes of the honeymoon phase dropped her jaw in disbelief that anyone would willingly want to be apart from the love of their life for any amount of time! (Also, I know the definition of throes and I use it here because I’m drama and sometimes I vehemently detest my young self.) And still with my jaw dropped, I side-eyed my husband when he agreed that alone time is good. My thoughts were literally, “You just married me and you want to get away from me already?!” Someone name a movie or TV show where a female character reacts as ridiculous as I did then. Someone in comedy has to have made fun of this trope.
But look at me now, a grown-ass woman (according to Cindy Spiegle though, I ain’t grown-ass yet. She kicked me out of her party I tried to sneak into) who now wakes up at six in the morning (I try at least) to have alone time. I wake up, get my mug of coffee, sit out on the deck that faces Round Valley with a book and a journal. But no guitar. Because I’m not purposely copying my father-in law. I’m just finding that, having had my life upended by a pandemic, I finally had to learn that alone time, whether as an individual, as a couple, or as a family, is sometimes a necessary step to healing and moving forward.
